christiadancin

So I'm thinking I could get over this kid.... like for realz
especially since it's no shave november :)
I'm pretty happy right now, life is treating me good and our room is all decked out for the holidays... we even have a 2ft tall REAL Christmas tree and christmassy bible verses on the wall.
I think I can I think I can I think I can
I neglected all of my homework tho hehehee

I gave up FB for advent..... oh my goodness
I feel like its dumb that it matters so much
but i feel like this will be really good for me

yay for skyping TRISTA

For some reason God is showing me how to see others through his eyes, but I can't seem to see myself through any eyes other than the worlds, and it doesnt look so good.

or at least that's my opinion of why it's his fav. god

Dance sucked!
I feel like I'm the worst dancer ever. I just don't understand, it's like I can do the stuff, but obviously I can't b/c I keep getting kicked out of the groups. Like oh wait her jump sucks, but so does this other girls, but we can only work on one. Oh and by the way, don't worry about being seen, we'll put you behind all of the girls who are taller than you... it makes so much damn sense.

I'm so tired of life. I want to curl up in a ball and no exist... maybe not die, just not exist.

Yay for us we got Superiors!!!!!
Jess, for all you read in this, don't let Everett Read over your shoulder, or anyone else for that matter.

I'm super freaking out right now.

I actually contemplated suicide again.
I was so mean to my mom.
She tells me all these things I need to say,
and how she doesn't speak like that.

What if I don't want to be like her.

In my mind she seems weak to me.
Depression overtook her.
It kept her from living for so long.
I can never let that happen.
It makes me angry.
I will never let weakness control me.
It would hurt to much.
It would be to simple.

but this is the part that scares me more,
that no one should know.
that shakes me up
I have a crush on a boy.
I shouldn't
he's too young.
it's weird,
but he's an angel

He was so sweet to me this trip.
He massaged my feet.
who does that?     ... really

We walked to Taco Bell together,
I looked at him.
(we'll call him Tyr)
"Tyr, I'm not a good person."
"Did you know"
I persisted to list my faults,
he saw nothing wrong it

I feel depressed.

I want him to come over and watch "10 thinks I hate about you"
with me.

His favorite Norse God = Tyr

lol, at the website I looked it up on.

"He's bold and brave, but not too bright. "

So this is life.
I'm pretty sure my youth pastor's wife Heather does not like me
I know I'm about to have some issues at church
I want a prom date
that's dumb, but w/e
Andy has a broken leg. poor cat.
Economics test Thursday.
homework due, but undone
Psycho test, maybe fail
Art History.... so many to memorize
no sleep
blah blah blah....list of life, lived but unlived

no pointe

Andy will be ok, mom thinks he tried to play with a fox,and it was mean and hurt him, I say he was attacked by a valiant eagle, dad says it was a werewolf. :)

Mike's leaving for Iraq, at midnight. I'm scared. I feel like I should feel like I'm loosing a part of me, but I'm not. I feel like I should cry but I'm not. I feel like he means more to me than he does.I feel like I should love him, but I don't, it's just not there.
I feel like I'm messed up. like i have issues I'm unaware of. That I work myself so hard I can't see who I really am, and neither can anyone else.
what's underneath my shell. maybe that's why i can find nudity in art so beautiful. there's no facade.



but i kinda wonder. do people see me and think. ugly fat slut.
i hope not i don't like that combination

After my slight breakdown yesterday, I'm thinking I should start journaling more, because I'm really starting to fall apart. I don't really understand what's going on inside my mind, or my heart, but I know that I have some issues to deal with. Namely being mad at my ex's for no good reason, only one of them was a jerk, and I honestly understand why. I just want to be ok.
I'm going to Disney, kinda, today with Aimee, which should be fun and we are taking her brother and his girlfriend iceskating....so cool. I haven't been in forever so it's really nice. I'm spending all day at Disney tomorrow, and I really need to make sure I don't spend all my money, b/c I need to buy a new purse with a zipper on the top, so my stuff doesn't fall out.
I'm so worried about college, and I keep trying to pray that God will help me find the funds to go. PBA costs 30,000 a year including tuition, food, and housing. Egh. I just want to sleep everything away. I want an extra hour each day...but that only happens once a year. :)
no tears.
lol no fear...great song.
I'm missing the Art History test tomorrow...ew. It stinks so bad, because I really hate to miss it, but it means I have more days to study. I really should be studying now though.
I think my eye may have stopped twitching. :)

All i can feel in my heart
towards guys is rage 
the blades cutting in,
searing the organ,
ripping it viciously,
but never really causing pain.
no tears,
no sadness,
just anger.
every other emotion=burnt out.

He thinks he broke my heart
he just built a new propane pump.
Raleigh broke it, if you're anyone else, don't fancy yourself,
you were never that important.
maybe it really started before that...
maybe the blue eyes broke it first,

Either way.
Drums ignored the flame
accidentally tossing in logs

flame had already started

although...

I'm pretty sure Muffin's lies added to the flame,
"No, of course I don't like him"
(i just go to his house every night, when you think my parents won't let me come over)

lies are so interesting,

little logs that tend to build up.

God put some sand on the flame,
no patience. the worthless waterfall of strength
i thought i fixed my self.                                    fat. chance.
Johny boy came along next.
our relationship was pretty much superficial.
we talked, a lot actually, but his feelings for me.               not. real.
and of course.
more gasoline

"I don't want to hurt you and I'm unable to fall in love"
(2 weeks later he's back with his ex).
my eyes burned,
boring into his skull
he saw my pain.                                     misinterpretation.
he saw my fury.
I was throwing fireballs from my eyes, fueled by his gasoline.
It's funny. I'm still angry, and he still thinks he broke my heart.
STUPID HUMAN SHUT YOUR MOUTH (heart)

fade out. burn out. my flame.

I'm going clubbing tonight and I'm really nervous. lol if you think about it...clubbing... sounds uber violent.
I hope I know some street smarts!

I've got to talk to my bgf about him being her and not wanting to hang out with me, it hurts and I need to tell him that, but I don't know how and I'm scared.
I don't want him to see this as more than friends, b/c I've realized it's not. I just want my best friend back.
I want to tell him I may not be as sexy, and fun, and exciting as S, but I care and I though he cared about me too. Maybe he's just twitter pated, but he doesn't have a chance with her.
wish my life luck

so my bgf(best guy friend) is in the marines and he is going to Iraq in like March and he comes back to where I live for the week or what ever and he's beinga  total jerk and spending all of this time with this one chick because she's hot and she's such a tease. It makes me so angry I don't even think he wants to hang out with me and he means a lot to me and when I go off to college next year he's not going to come see me. He's so shoved up her butt he can't see me.
Well that's damn fine with me.
I'm pissed
so angry
JERKKKKK

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